Life is sometimes a bit crazy, not just the things that happen in the world around you but the things that happen in your head. My head is sometimes a massive mess with craziness making its home in every corner. But something beautiful has happened in the last few weeks. Something so... I dont know strange to me. I am not alone. This to me is a scary thought because I always feel alone, even in company of the most amazing people in my life and it is hard sometimes to do the smiling and laughing and being the fun girl who is always... well smiling and sociable and happy. Its annoying.
There are people who are constantly moody on social sites. Facebook drives me crazy with it because someone always has a headache, someones life is always shit and I find it really difficult to put anything negative on the web. Even friends who's lives are a constant battle of drama where one thing ends and something else starts.
I suppose in some ways we invite it in, we want the T.V life, the sound track, the awesome friends to meet down at the coffee shop so we can talk about how we ALWAYS buy a Latte on the way to work and the seasonal Caramel Nut Latte is just so so amazing! And we talk about how our jobs are so so so much more important than anyone elses and I get bored and use my teaspoon to draw patterns in the froth on my so not skinny cappachino with hazel nut syrup.... because in the end that job does not define you. Your Superdry jacket does not interest me, nor does your trip to the Marks & Spencer food hall or the fact that you demand to be the centre of attention or that you are going to leave your boyfriend because it is your way or the high way. The point is that my facebook status updates are always happy, silly, maybe whimsical but they never really let on about how I feel. So here it goes:
Sometimes I feel lost, sometimes I am really scared because I always give of myself and of my heart and I give everything I am to try make others happy. I know that this is not my job, I cant make anyone happy, its something they have to find for themselves. I guess I just wanted to share that, and let you know that sometimes I am not happy and that those 'sometimes' happen quite a lot.
Sometimes I feel lost because I dont like the road I am on, because I am never myself around anyone. Anyway, something has happened in the last few weeks, something good and nice and pure and I am not alone. My head and my heart and my soul are no longer alone. I have found something deep inside myself that I have locked away and there are moments when I dont know what it is. I guess I am making no sense really but there is this tiny little seed inside me which has finally found some gentle ground to grow in, and its opening up and it can see where I should be.
Enough of the crazy hippy talk! :)
I am happy.
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